Yes to long I know.
I am hurting a little more than I would want to but I have been having an interesting ass weekend. Wait. Can I say that?! Lol
Learned more about who I am. I love easily. I run fast.
My family means the world to me but I forget to say that to them.
This all sounds random. But my heart is feeling.
It's questioning my path, my cleansing, my new me,
I question everything so this is no surprise to me.
The year will be ending in last than twenty days. And that's cool.
New beginnings new lifestyle. New outlook on life.
I have been talkig about alot of stuff but now it's time to work.
Change things that I have to work on.
I will still love the same, heart on my sleeve.
Dangerous. I know.
But it makes me who I am.
I decided that I can love the men that I have dated throughout my life.
They made me exactly who I am.
I can't distinguish them in the sense of love. Meng they was here
In the craziest moments of my life.
I am not looking for anything more than friendships now.
I want to be comfortable in myself before I begin to date/GetIn-a-relationship with anyone.
4months natural and I'm learning how to shutmy mouth.
So to end this off just watch me work.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I change/Transform. (i'm a transformer)!
it is currently 3:08 in the morning, i went to sleep during the day so that is why i am currently up. i decided before i go to finish all the work i need to that i would blog. has been a little minute and this has been my zen for a while now. I am now on a path and this path is scary and crazy for once i am afraid. truly afraid. two years ago in january i embarked on a journey with one of my close friend to be a better woman. i am better than two years ago, but i cant stop here. And you cant either. what ever you are doing you have the ability to do ten times better. CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP. just remember that in order to be fully independent you need to take responsibilities for everything you do or dont do because it is a direct effect of the decisions you made. I have learned that this week, YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT AFFECTS YOUR FUTURE, NO ONE ELSE, SO DON'T WASTE TIME PLAYING THE BLAME GAME. So i am taking complete responsible for everything that i do.
I promised myself along time ago that i will do what is needed. I want to change, into the woman that is clearly deep inside my heart that dedication and heart that she has. I want that to flourish everyday. for me to be happy everyday, happy with who i am, look the way i want to look. where what types of hats i want, do what i want without thinking what the next person will say. Or how they will feel.
Lately i have been uninspired and unmotivated hopefully this break will allow me to change what has been hunting this rut i have been and the feelings that i am feeling. I want to get to a point where i can do what i need to because it is needed. Currently i will start writing my paper for one of my classes theories of personality. my weekend will consist of finish this packet that is uber late, write the minutes for my last meeting with my club, finish this paper for this program i want to get into, finish my social psych paper, and work on the blasted anthropology, wash clothers and then i will be good to go. And the Lord will make a way for all of this.
So as you go along with your day, remember that you are the only person who can/will hold yourself back. Half of the problem with many of us, me included is that we are lazy, we are scared, we try to be content with the little we have, we just need to take one step further the first step is the hardest. =]
I promised myself along time ago that i will do what is needed. I want to change, into the woman that is clearly deep inside my heart that dedication and heart that she has. I want that to flourish everyday. for me to be happy everyday, happy with who i am, look the way i want to look. where what types of hats i want, do what i want without thinking what the next person will say. Or how they will feel.
Lately i have been uninspired and unmotivated hopefully this break will allow me to change what has been hunting this rut i have been and the feelings that i am feeling. I want to get to a point where i can do what i need to because it is needed. Currently i will start writing my paper for one of my classes theories of personality. my weekend will consist of finish this packet that is uber late, write the minutes for my last meeting with my club, finish this paper for this program i want to get into, finish my social psych paper, and work on the blasted anthropology, wash clothers and then i will be good to go. And the Lord will make a way for all of this.
So as you go along with your day, remember that you are the only person who can/will hold yourself back. Half of the problem with many of us, me included is that we are lazy, we are scared, we try to be content with the little we have, we just need to take one step further the first step is the hardest. =]
Sunday, November 28, 2010
so guess what i saw
Saw someone in the past on you guessed it facebook. lol
and o man the old me wants to come out in a hot second and tell her about herself.
BUT you know me. i decided against it. this was someone in my past who i never met but she had a problem with me. she didn't like me. she held so much against me. because of a guy. she made it her business to devour me and spit me out to anyone and everyone who know us both. the only reason SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO DATE MY EX.
i looked at her and remember where i was at, how i let this one person determine the way i looked at myself, how i began to hate her and myself with every fiber in my bone. i am not sure if anyone knew what that one person did to me. or better put what i allowed her to do to me, how i began to pull myself into a hole and laid there because she said i wasn't beautiful i began to internalize it.
its crazy what happens when you allow someone to take over your own thoughts of yourself. for years i did that but when i looked on her facebook page today i realized that it wasn't pity for myself i felt anymore. i felt a sadness for her and who she is because i am slowly but surely excepting every fiber of myself and no longer talking about what others look like or whats wrong with them. who knows if she started to become a better person who knows if he ever knew of any of this. I am now one of his passing friends and i am happy that we can have some type of agreement. i am going natural i no longer look like her or anything about myself holds the same place. i no longer bicker over him and he going to the prom with her because naturally i just love and care about him in a friendship way.
What i am trying to say is that don't sit around for 4 years holding on to what someone said to you, what they did and how they made you feel. they probably forgot about and even though you didn't they don't care. your no longer something to occupy their mind. don't let one person become the reason you hate yourself the reason you harbor horrible feelings. i did. for awhile i have long scroll of the things that people have said that still have a lasting effect on me. But nowadays i just pray over it. ask God to break of all that i still hold because i want to be amazing just for myself. So be yourself love yourself and embrace everything that you have to offer. and who you are because that in itself is amazing.
With something deep in my mind, heart and soul
like Taraji says "iluvmesumu"
-Whit.
and o man the old me wants to come out in a hot second and tell her about herself.
BUT you know me. i decided against it. this was someone in my past who i never met but she had a problem with me. she didn't like me. she held so much against me. because of a guy. she made it her business to devour me and spit me out to anyone and everyone who know us both. the only reason SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO DATE MY EX.
i looked at her and remember where i was at, how i let this one person determine the way i looked at myself, how i began to hate her and myself with every fiber in my bone. i am not sure if anyone knew what that one person did to me. or better put what i allowed her to do to me, how i began to pull myself into a hole and laid there because she said i wasn't beautiful i began to internalize it.
its crazy what happens when you allow someone to take over your own thoughts of yourself. for years i did that but when i looked on her facebook page today i realized that it wasn't pity for myself i felt anymore. i felt a sadness for her and who she is because i am slowly but surely excepting every fiber of myself and no longer talking about what others look like or whats wrong with them. who knows if she started to become a better person who knows if he ever knew of any of this. I am now one of his passing friends and i am happy that we can have some type of agreement. i am going natural i no longer look like her or anything about myself holds the same place. i no longer bicker over him and he going to the prom with her because naturally i just love and care about him in a friendship way.
What i am trying to say is that don't sit around for 4 years holding on to what someone said to you, what they did and how they made you feel. they probably forgot about and even though you didn't they don't care. your no longer something to occupy their mind. don't let one person become the reason you hate yourself the reason you harbor horrible feelings. i did. for awhile i have long scroll of the things that people have said that still have a lasting effect on me. But nowadays i just pray over it. ask God to break of all that i still hold because i want to be amazing just for myself. So be yourself love yourself and embrace everything that you have to offer. and who you are because that in itself is amazing.
With something deep in my mind, heart and soul
like Taraji says "iluvmesumu"
-Whit.
Classes Got Me in a Daze.
I know you are probably wondering. why i havent been posting. Classes got me in a daze so i havent been able to really cultivate my thoughts. (with a smile on my face) I have been running around all crazy between classes, my job, and the volunteer club that my close friend founded that i still havent been able to go to one of the volunteer sites. i need to get my life together. But i been running racket and im not done yet. i dont feel fulfilled so i am just moving in silence lately. doing what i have to do and sometimes doing nothing that i have to. if you my friend on facebook you would know that i feel as if this home isnt big enough to hold me and i am now deciding to move in silence do what i have to do to move out.
for me moving in silence is the biggest step i am trying to take. I cant remember the last time i have been silent and i am thinking about letting this silence shine light in the other parts of my life that needs fixing. So for a little while i wont let men, school, or family get me to a point of no return. my silence will some how embrace whats bothering me. hopefully.
...... i lost the urge to write more.
for me moving in silence is the biggest step i am trying to take. I cant remember the last time i have been silent and i am thinking about letting this silence shine light in the other parts of my life that needs fixing. So for a little while i wont let men, school, or family get me to a point of no return. my silence will some how embrace whats bothering me. hopefully.
...... i lost the urge to write more.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Serene
On Saturday i was reading my textbook... and in that section it was talking about different characters and you may wonder why i am bringing this or even why is this post called serene.
In short one of the personalities is a more autonomous and serene type. i have been working to be a better person and lately i haven't been able to grab a lot of it so i have decided each day to use my eye liner that i don't like and write on my arm. I write from anything that strikes me to give me strength. so here is what i usually write/draw.
I draw or write a nefer. Nefer is an Egyptian symbol it means beautiful, happiness, goodness and kindness.
I also write Emancipated. because i am free, i want to be free from everything the ridicule and that i am me [free and embracing me].
but, When i woke up on Sunday Morning i drew my normal nefer which means so much but on my arm i wrote Serene. So i went through out my day with it on my arm. Saying that i want to be this calm person. Serene means calm, peaceful or tranquil. That's what i had, that's what for that day i was working towards. My mother saw it. Serene -Big on my arm. she would of flipped if it was a tattoo i told her it wasn't that i wrote it and its erasable. she asked me what does it mean i said calm. But this conversation happen all while i was on the phone with my sweetie/friend and he became a little bothered well a lot bothered by it. he asked me a whole bunch of questions "please don't tell me your depressed?" "are you depressed?" "why did you write serene on your arm?" And that's where the conversation began and i told him i look at different words and i love them and sometimes i write them on my arm to give me some strength within that i know i have. I wrote serene because it means calm. And he said "I think that no one can reach being serene, serene is like sedated, serene can only be achieved through drugs that type of personality cant be achieved to be a calm person all the time? that's scary." After talking about it i started to embrace what he said and how i felt. to some extent being serene is a scary thing and it feels like sedation. I am a lively person and i wrote serene because i know that i want to be calmer but that's not in my personality. I am literally a happy going person i thought about it i don't want to be calm. my personality is a light and happy always thinking i don't want to sedate my feelings because i feel like in turn i will not allow myself to go through the struggles that make me who i am.
in this twisted crazy post i just want you to know that certain personalities aren't you. if you are talkative person you cant be the quiet person. you can but you won't be embracing who you are and what your personality is. don't hide from that. i hide from that most of my life. Just be you and someone will love you but first and foremost love yourself.
-Whit.
In short one of the personalities is a more autonomous and serene type. i have been working to be a better person and lately i haven't been able to grab a lot of it so i have decided each day to use my eye liner that i don't like and write on my arm. I write from anything that strikes me to give me strength. so here is what i usually write/draw.
I draw or write a nefer. Nefer is an Egyptian symbol it means beautiful, happiness, goodness and kindness.
I also write Emancipated. because i am free, i want to be free from everything the ridicule and that i am me [free and embracing me].
but, When i woke up on Sunday Morning i drew my normal nefer which means so much but on my arm i wrote Serene. So i went through out my day with it on my arm. Saying that i want to be this calm person. Serene means calm, peaceful or tranquil. That's what i had, that's what for that day i was working towards. My mother saw it. Serene -Big on my arm. she would of flipped if it was a tattoo i told her it wasn't that i wrote it and its erasable. she asked me what does it mean i said calm. But this conversation happen all while i was on the phone with my sweetie/friend and he became a little bothered well a lot bothered by it. he asked me a whole bunch of questions "please don't tell me your depressed?" "are you depressed?" "why did you write serene on your arm?" And that's where the conversation began and i told him i look at different words and i love them and sometimes i write them on my arm to give me some strength within that i know i have. I wrote serene because it means calm. And he said "I think that no one can reach being serene, serene is like sedated, serene can only be achieved through drugs that type of personality cant be achieved to be a calm person all the time? that's scary." After talking about it i started to embrace what he said and how i felt. to some extent being serene is a scary thing and it feels like sedation. I am a lively person and i wrote serene because i know that i want to be calmer but that's not in my personality. I am literally a happy going person i thought about it i don't want to be calm. my personality is a light and happy always thinking i don't want to sedate my feelings because i feel like in turn i will not allow myself to go through the struggles that make me who i am.
in this twisted crazy post i just want you to know that certain personalities aren't you. if you are talkative person you cant be the quiet person. you can but you won't be embracing who you are and what your personality is. don't hide from that. i hide from that most of my life. Just be you and someone will love you but first and foremost love yourself.
-Whit.
Monday, November 15, 2010
so wait i have much to tell
puew puew puewww (lazers) my hair is growing i have a little Afro and it made me happy because i thought all this i was doing with my hair wasn't helping but low and behold i have a jungle under these little curls/frizz puff i got going on. =] happy for growth and i am treating it just like i am trying to treat my growth as a person. One moment at a time.
i am listening to new and different types of music i am working on it. i will sit there and watch my favorite show grey's anatomy or anything else that has music playing i find the best indi/alternative music ever. what some people will call OTHER! i just say just my type whoop whoop.
So J.Cole has his new mixtape out and people i know will kill me if i told them that i never really sat down and listen to him. but i plan on playing this mixtape and seeing how i feel about the amazing guy we call J.Cole. So PELLET Pellet (lol) Jay Electronica got some songs out just heard two things was like ahhhh i love it but i know myself i love that ETERNAL SUNSHINE to the fullest!!! don't even question it.
Today was Day two of working with the children and i have to say i am the happiest i can be. Those children are amazing they want to tell you everything it gets frustrated and hard but all i remind myself is how wonderful they are. I am slowly but surely learning each child's name so they often think i forget their names and they turn to me like Ms. Whitley how do you know my name? i tell them that i can remember faces like no other and that all of their faces are amazing that when not under pressure i can call their names because they are dear to me. and they smile and give me hugs. and its great.
School i am working through. i have woke up for the last few days and before i step foot out of this house i read the bible. something that i have been struggling with for the last few months. Never knowing when can I do one night i was crying so much i picked up my newly brought Bible and began to read. First a little note/devotion in the bible on Peace. Lately i have been struggling with my peace. And waking up and getting my peace of mind is reading the bible. That might not be your peace of mind but make sure you find it. It will make you a better person I won't lie to you!
So yes i have homework piled up to finish i won't lie i definitely do. but i am trying to be optimistic and take my days one day at a time finish as much as can when i can. I will work through all of this.
i am listening to new and different types of music i am working on it. i will sit there and watch my favorite show grey's anatomy or anything else that has music playing i find the best indi/alternative music ever. what some people will call OTHER! i just say just my type whoop whoop.
So J.Cole has his new mixtape out and people i know will kill me if i told them that i never really sat down and listen to him. but i plan on playing this mixtape and seeing how i feel about the amazing guy we call J.Cole. So PELLET Pellet (lol) Jay Electronica got some songs out just heard two things was like ahhhh i love it but i know myself i love that ETERNAL SUNSHINE to the fullest!!! don't even question it.
Today was Day two of working with the children and i have to say i am the happiest i can be. Those children are amazing they want to tell you everything it gets frustrated and hard but all i remind myself is how wonderful they are. I am slowly but surely learning each child's name so they often think i forget their names and they turn to me like Ms. Whitley how do you know my name? i tell them that i can remember faces like no other and that all of their faces are amazing that when not under pressure i can call their names because they are dear to me. and they smile and give me hugs. and its great.
School i am working through. i have woke up for the last few days and before i step foot out of this house i read the bible. something that i have been struggling with for the last few months. Never knowing when can I do one night i was crying so much i picked up my newly brought Bible and began to read. First a little note/devotion in the bible on Peace. Lately i have been struggling with my peace. And waking up and getting my peace of mind is reading the bible. That might not be your peace of mind but make sure you find it. It will make you a better person I won't lie to you!
So what can i leave you with. So BAM BAM BAM [trying to get away from saying Bhuck Bhuck since I'm not from bk -lol] Upon seeing MK Asante he said that you should always take two sets of notes. And now i am feeling so i will break out my binder soon enough and fill it with everything my thoughts ponder upon question or agree with in my textbooks. i feel like i am finding myself in these textbooks my reading and everything i am trying to do. like ET The Hip Hop Preacher said if you can look up you can get up. =] And i have been looking and right now I am working on getting up.
So yes i have homework piled up to finish i won't lie i definitely do. but i am trying to be optimistic and take my days one day at a time finish as much as can when i can. I will work through all of this.
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